Round 2 ' Chemo, or, The closest to code blue i've been...

Monday afternoon, at the start of my third and final chemo for the day. within 5 minutes, I'd turned a florid shade of red, felt my insides on fire, and I could not breathe, not one bit. I was willing myself to stay calm and using every yoga trick in the book, but it wasn't happening. I pressed for the nurse, but luckily my friend was here and raced to the nursing station, screaming for help. Within 30 seconds my room was full of 15 nurses and doctors. The first nurse in the room shut off the chemo and I immediately felt a little better. She held my hand, my friend held the other, and I tried to breathe until I got it right. It was the scariest thing I've experienced. Apparently it's possible to have a deathly allergic reaction to a medicine that I safely took 5 days in a row during my first round 'treatment.
They gave me a few hours break (and tons of hydration), than tried it again, this time doubling the length of time from 1 to 2 hours to infuse the medicine. It's been working, but each time they give it to me, I get really scared until the first 15 minutes (after which there's rarely an allergic reaction) runs it's course.

My parents have been here all week, which is helpful, as so many folks have colds right now, and I haven't felt so great, seeing how my week began, so it's just been comforting.

Nausea has been crappy since last night, but I squeeze in food when I can. I have already gained almost 10 pounds from all the hydration they're giving me! It's this crazy hospital thing, pumping me full of liquid, hydrocortisone, and steroids, to help the chemo work better,and to help me better deal w/ the chemo. I will lose it once I lose the hospital, but it's all still odd and mildly fascinating to me. water weight! i read about that in stupid fashion magazines.

I take walks before and after chemo. Friends are good company for that. I have a little shower in my room, and I decorated w/ my favorite cards, photographs, milagros, gifts that people give me to keep my head up. last night Shannon A. brought me a gorgeous day of the dead banner w/ Frida all over, so my room is quite festive. My mom gave me halloween socks. I demanded that my nurse compliment them. I am still pesky despite everything, which pleases me. but seriously I can't wait til friday afternoon when I can leave.

Neutrophenia: a blood disorder in which white blood cells are too f'ing low.
Common in cancer patients receiving chemotherapy.
The One Thing keeping me in the hospital right now.
Treated with painful shots in areas where they can still find a fleshy part of you (I still have some of those).

My bloodcell count went up yesterday, and a tiny bit more today, but still no word to the nurse regarding discharging me. It looks like I may be spending the weekend here.
This means that my second round of chemo, set to begin this coming Monday, will have to be pushed back at least by a week.


My hair continues to fall out, violently, it seems to me.
Friends keep me from screaming, as usual. I've especially appreciated the many visitors and sleepover partners, as this long hospital stay was unplanned.

With Neutrophenia, I can not be near flowers or plants. I can not even touch fresh fruits and vegetables, due to common bacteria/germs on these things. I have to toss out all the lovely pumpkins people brought me.
I can absolutely positively not be near anyone who has been exposed to illness.
When I do my rounds through the hospital hallways, I have to wear a mask, as it's flu season and I have a shitty immune system right now.
Some of my friends are afraid to touch me, as they worry it will spread germs that hurt me.

I am trying to stay upbeat, laugh, watch movies, talk to people, make art, and not be sad, lonely or angry too often.

so i am going to write stuff sometimes regarding what cancer is like. partially for me, partially to let my friends know what's going on, so i don't feel like a broken record, for lots of reasons. de todos modos, i think it will be good for me.

i had to return to the hospital last night. i had severe chills and my body was shaking ridiculously. my temperature shot to 103.2, which, if you are a healthy adult, is bad. if you are someone w/ a compromised immune system and low white blood cell count due to chemo, it's tremendously bad. yet common. go figure. some friends were over, and kwong was able to drive me to the hospital. i couldn't stand up, so colin carried me downstairs and put me in the car. kevin spent the night w/ me at the hospital, where i was poked and prodded for an hour. they took what seemed like gallons of blood from me (yes, i am exaggerating, but i hate having blood drawn, and it WAS a lot). they changed my picc-line (for those who don't know, that's the semi-permanent IV i chose to have inserted in my arm) dressing, which is never fun. then they gave me a thorough examination to assess whether or not the fever caused neurological damage. it was a long night. i am really grateful that kevin was here.

this morning i woke to find that my hair is falling out. i was actually expecting to lose it sooner. but i am obviously sad about this part.
my fever broke early on, and i feel pretty good, bodywise. they can keep me here up to 4 days for observation, but i am hoping that i can leave by tomorrow night. they even disconnected my IV. but i definitely understand that it's safer for me to be here, if the fever returns. and the blood cultures aren't done....culturating(?) yet, so no idea if i actually have/had an infection someplace in my body.
as always i am appreciating the visitors and phone calls. colin and suzanne spent much of the day w/ me, and some more folks are coming later. i love it, it keeps my spirit up. as long as i am laughing, and even feeling feisty or bratty, i feel like myself, not some "sick" person. unfortunately this hospital is becoming my second home, but i continue to remind myself that this is a temporary situation. come the spring, there will be no more chemo, and i will grow new hair (i hope it grows in a completely new color and texture. that would completely rule), and my surgery incision will be closer to healed.