How about a long boring entry of lists? Listing has always helped me feel good and get those thoughts together. So...

good things lately:

went to a lovely housewarming/birthday party
eating lots of fruit
wearing my new wig and feeling oh so pretty
gave my nurse's daughter a teddybear
told everyone how much i love/appreciate them, whenever possible
took some walks without fainting
getting better about stating my needs
got organized a bit (a huge feat for me. i am a piler, not a filer. not trying to rhyme there). I had some amazing assistance. much appreciated.
enjoyed fantastic outta town visits from Rachel, Doug, Marty, and Tera, and my dad gets in tomorrow for Round 4.
I got on disability, which will be a huge help for a few months.
I have discovered countless resources for low-income women going through this.
Please, if anyone reading this knows of someone who might need help in a similar situation, remember that I am a social worker and I've just added a shitload of tools and resources to my brain and I thrive on helping people out (esp if it means that the govt and the pharmaceutical empire get less money, and the disenfranchised get hooked up).

Some Difficult Things:

new side effects from chemo all the time. Just when I feel cocky that I have everything under control, something new happens that surprises me and most likely hurts/causes great discomfort.
spontaneous brown scarring, anyone? streaking my body, not too bad but definitely new and weird. it seems to only happen where i am the skinniest, so my ribs, shoulder blades, places like that.
people whom i love, people who've been in my life for quite awhile, who give me advice that suggests that i brought cancer upon myself. That if I'd only really "lived life" and "been happy", that this would not have happened. How callous. How ignorant. How completely misinformed. How fortunate, tho difficult for me, that they are no longer in my life.
This is a time for letting anything or anyone go, if they are not serving to make life more beautiful and rad. Especially if they ask shitty, hurtful questions. Move on, right? I just can't get over it sometimes. I am human.

Some Crazy Gratitude things:

Being alive still (duh).
My support system of amazing. I can't believe all the rides, chores, meals, shopping, etc you've helped me w/. The gorgeous hand-made hats that are hip and envy-inducing. For any of you who helped me w/ paperwork, the support calendar, helped me stand up for myself w/ the insurance company (that battle continues) when I am nauseous and barely cognizant, the people who lay their healing hands on me and keep the bad things away for awhile, Thank You.
Most important, the people who hold me when i cry and just let me feel what I am feeling. Who don't let their fear of what I am battling get in the way of staying loving and supportive, and who don't identify me w/ a disease simply b/c I happen to have one in my body. I feel small and in awe w/ gratitude.
I've learned a lot about the power of fear, and pain, and I am grateful for realizing that I have some control over the levels of ick/stress that I harbor. It's interesting. Some of it is science, other stuff is a completely different level and maybe some days I nervously poke fun at it b/c it's new age-y, and other days I am really fine with it and jump on in.
Despite the fact that I cry multiple times/wk, I never forget how lucky I am to have everyone.
The end of awful is in sight, hopefully. Mid-January, this chemo hell should be over and I can start a new phase of hard work to get my body working normally and get back to lots of things I had to put on hold. I am nervous and frustrated re: my two more rounds of this, and resenting the thought of 10 more days in the hospital after I've logged in 24. que sera. ugatz. nella lotta non vi e' vita, eh?

Humorous, inspiring, sweet books to read if you are the one to go through this or maybe want to understand better:
Cancer Vixen by Marissa Acocella Marchetto, and
Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips, by Kris Carr

These are written by glammy, strong, femme women. But I bet anyone digs it.
ok enough. hearts.