i need to vent. there are no easy answers right now. i am gonna apply for disability b/c i have no choice, the medical bills are f'ed, and i have no idea when i can work again (just realistic that i will need heal-time post-treatment), but there is rent to think of so the pride is officially swallowed. there is a staggeringly high percentage of folks WITH health insurance who go bankrupt due to medical bills after an illness. i get it now. painfully clear.
i will apply for every scholarship and stipend i can find to help get me back in school. b/c it looks like State isn't concerned w/ helping me navigate the deep shit i am in regarding loans, illness, debt. i am not surprised, tho, and not too worried.
i know i will figure everything out. i am smart. and i know how to ask for help. it's just a rough haul. i am having some PTS issues from the near-death thing last week. it scared the crap out of me. i am still hating not being able to be independent. i hate being skinny. i hate being tired a lot and feeling seriously at-risk if a friend has to bail on me last minute. i hate the consistent taste of metal in my mouth. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT CHEMO IS LIKE! the short answer is: "if you are lucky enough to not know yourself, than i can't lay it out for you, except that it's the worst thing i've ever experienced". i hate having a shitty memory. during treatments and quite a few days afterward, i can't read a book b/c i can't focus on a plot. finding words during conversation is difficult. seriously, just being able to walk w/out worrying about blacking out and falling over would be awesome. i will never take anything for granted ever again. i will never again worry about how i appear to other people, if i am good enough, funny, smart, stylish, kind enough. i just don't give a fuck. i want to live my life as awesomely as possible. and i want to be able to continue counting on people. i so appreciate the people who have been there. seriously. you are amazing. and to those who couldn't handle the whole cancer thing and walked away (a minusucle faction), i have found a new capacity to not harbor resentment. i've just let you go.
