tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61902672011-04-21T17:40:03.147-07:00Mangia Piu Kale!no more anatomy of heartachenessabellanoreply@blogger.comBlogger391100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-41310314800577705452009-05-30T19:01:00.001-07:002009-05-30T19:28:12.158-07:00We've been in Los Angeles for almost 4 months now. I am starting to realize that I would've been fine with a much shorter stay. It's an odd place, although I can only really speak for the area we chose to live and work (West L.A.: Venice, Santa Monica, and Brentwood,specifically). Despite working more hours at my temporary job, I've had nothing but time to think.On one hand, I greatly appreciate nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-11286226909933184092009-04-14T22:07:00.000-07:002009-04-14T22:08:21.920-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-52299089184062733342009-04-14T22:06:00.000-07:002009-04-14T22:06:59.981-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-84586744943609476402009-04-14T22:05:00.000-07:002009-04-14T22:05:47.314-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-26679181958222330132009-04-14T22:04:00.000-07:002009-04-14T22:04:38.522-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-27936657493594363892009-04-14T22:02:00.000-07:002009-04-14T22:02:43.277-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-21607576976969892032009-04-14T21:59:00.000-07:002009-04-14T21:59:24.988-07:00 here are some shots from the past few weeks. Sarah and Brian's wedding, Jason and Stanley's visit to Venice (bunny had a thing for Jason), and Jacob and I's recent hike around Temescal Canyon. It was beautiful up there. Sunday is our only day off together, so it's great to actually DO something; explore and have adventures. we saw lizards and hummingbirds and i actually saw a baby grey fox, nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-48703233343358609962009-04-14T21:36:00.000-07:002009-04-14T21:36:25.607-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-10440811513311171892009-04-14T21:33:00.000-07:002009-04-14T21:33:57.368-07:00nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-11808908555384248272009-04-08T18:58:00.000-07:002009-04-08T19:06:56.092-07:00jacob promised to show me how to add photos so it's all more exciting. it's been over one month since i last updated, altho i jot things on facebook and text messages enough. i think i'd be a good candidate for a technology fast. when my cell phone isn't nearby, i develop a nervous tick. when i can't check email for more than 2 consecutive days, i feel ill. i think a lot has to do with nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-9057623608025649602009-02-24T22:00:00.000-08:002009-02-24T22:48:29.687-08:00Last night a cop pulled up as we waited at a crosswalk. He asked if my gingerale was beer. He was about 18 years old. Venice. We've been taking long walks at night. What's best is when the fog covers the beach, and you can see the lights of the Santa Monica pier all distorted and crazy through it. The ferris wheel there is phenomenal, it has these wild, colorful light patterns, multiple nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-19709395674138106402009-02-20T14:01:00.000-08:002009-02-20T14:18:00.288-08:00I found out today that my friend Shelli died. The brain tumor that she'd been dealing with for a year and a half. We'd met in the therapeutic yoga class for cancer survivors. Our age united us (we were the only young people in a class). We were also diagnosed with cancer within a month of each other, we later discovered. I feel grief but I also understand that she is no longer in pain. she was innessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-60580461802363746042009-02-19T22:29:00.000-08:002009-02-19T23:22:25.956-08:00venice is clear and warm and good. after a month of acting the drifter on 2 coasts, i'm all gratitude for having a little place and some peace. the rabbit is happy. jacob and i are happy too. i tried living with a guy once when i was a dumb kid and it was a disaster. but I'm liking this. He's a great cook, we eat cheap and organic (about 5 farmer's markets around here each week), and we don't nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-55329494538002798142008-04-06T22:45:00.000-07:002008-04-07T00:03:48.043-07:00hey my dears. i haven't written in this thing for months, so i figured now is a good time for an update. there's a lot here but i figure it's better to write out the yucky medical details so i don't do the broken-record w/ ya'll. January was crappy. I was reacting badly to the chemo, the side-effects were compounding, i reached my lowest weight (105,not good for someone my height), looked like nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-66185560721711318862008-01-18T20:05:00.001-08:002008-01-18T20:05:26.457-08:00i haven't updated this thing for awhile. things were going ok but than not so ok. one of my tumor markers, the one my doctor is following the closest to make her decision re: more chemo, was stable and very close to being cured and normal. but than it went up, from 6.9 to 8.5, than a few days later went up more to 9.4,than back to 8.2. i would have to be below 6.4 for them to stop the chemo.so nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-23091787301190046682007-12-02T18:35:00.000-08:002007-12-09T00:20:53.473-08:00How about a long boring entry of lists? Listing has always helped me feel good and get those thoughts together. So...good things lately:went to a lovely housewarming/birthday partyeating lots of fruitwearing my new wig and feeling oh so prettygave my nurse's daughter a teddybeartold everyone how much i love/appreciate them, whenever possibletook some walks without faintinggetting better about nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-22384931326384000802007-11-09T17:48:00.001-08:002007-11-09T17:50:23.406-08:00i felt good enough to walk and leave the house today. first time in a week that standing up didn't make me black out. jason took me to get milkshakes and than we hung out in the park and saw abby and laurel and their dogs! hurrah, it was a good day.here are fantastic photos of my brother's mustache, courtesy of his lovely lady, Tera. i love them a ton. they will be here next weekend.http://nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-7724785405422664882007-11-04T23:42:00.000-08:002007-11-05T20:22:42.742-08:00i need to vent. there are no easy answers right now. i am gonna apply for disability b/c i have no choice, the medical bills are f'ed, and i have no idea when i can work again (just realistic that i will need heal-time post-treatment), but there is rent to think of so the pride is officially swallowed. there is a staggeringly high percentage of folks WITH health insurance who go bankrupt due to nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-73588864783632995372007-10-31T13:44:00.000-07:002007-10-31T14:00:58.613-07:00Round 2 ' Chemo, or, The closest to code blue i've been...Monday afternoon, at the start of my third and final chemo for the day. within 5 minutes, I'd turned a florid shade of red, felt my insides on fire, and I could not breathe, not one bit. I was willing myself to stay calm and using every yoga trick in the book, but it wasn't happening. I pressed for the nurse, but luckily my friend was herenessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-12259049187115175482007-10-26T12:22:00.001-07:002007-10-26T12:37:08.053-07:00Neutrophenia: a blood disorder in which white blood cells are too f'ing low. Common in cancer patients receiving chemotherapy.The One Thing keeping me in the hospital right now.Treated with painful shots in areas where they can still find a fleshy part of you (I still have some of those).My bloodcell count went up yesterday, and a tiny bit more today, but still no word to the nurse regarding nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-36340786848165528012007-10-23T15:29:00.000-07:002007-10-23T16:08:01.607-07:00so i am going to write stuff sometimes regarding what cancer is like. partially for me, partially to let my friends know what's going on, so i don't feel like a broken record, for lots of reasons. de todos modos, i think it will be good for me.i had to return to the hospital last night. i had severe chills and my body was shaking ridiculously. my temperature shot to 103.2, which, if you are a nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1167724435223869842007-01-01T23:53:00.000-08:002007-10-23T15:29:23.265-07:00*don't think twice, it's alright*traveling during the holidays is not choice. i normally opt out, but this year i wanted to say goodbye to my grandfather before he sinks completely into alzheimer's-related dementia. he's been sick for 2 years but lately it's nothing but supremely bad news.the rest of my trip was pretty fantastic. i met some awesome new people, partied like a rawkstar jedi w/ my nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1141864183246413842006-03-08T15:33:00.000-08:002007-10-20T20:25:12.837-07:00dear blank space (nothing/everything):here:it's not the world that i want to save.it's me. seems all i do now is write. on any scrap i can find, my closet overflowing w/ journals, napkins, straw wrappers, everything bearing good smeared ink. i'm right-handed but i etch it out like a lefty. i get truthful. build up a sweat any way that i can. spend very little money and eat vegetables. cut away nessabellanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1133978321045525872005-12-07T09:11:00.000-08:002007-10-20T20:22:25.060-07:00More City Stories: Possessing the Secret of Joy (title shamelessly borrowed from Alice Walker)You love your friends so much that you decide to have a second, mini-Thanksgiving w/ just the 3 of you. It's a rainy night, you arrive exhausted and drenched after walking forever w/ a squirrely umbrella. They are just taking the hot food out of the oven, and turn to you with smiles and hugs. You sit nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1133309672753618292005-11-29T14:29:00.000-08:002007-10-20T20:20:34.749-07:00City Stories: Scenario A: "Sure Am Speechless But I Picked You this Bouquet"When she picks you up in the taxicab, it's cold out and she's all tweed skirts and gorgeousness. She hands you a perfect bouquet, the best one you've received thus far (if they MUST go and pick them out of the ground). She smells nice. The play is laughable in a bad way, but you're both laughing in the best way.The nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1130542881156762392005-10-28T16:34:00.000-07:002005-10-31T09:55:13.903-08:00*so you had the best legs in a business built for kicks*oh san francisco i heart you but i'm getting restless. why is this coming now? i've never had so many incredible people living so close. even the ones in L.A! but i left something on the east coast and i just want to say hello again.at least i have some time to collect my thoughts now. the frenetic month of october is almost thru. many nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1120011213808677222005-06-28T17:56:00.000-07:002007-10-19T15:38:29.116-07:00back in NY, the awesomeness continued when I got to see GeoffreyTodd and commenced to party all night w/ Natalie D. and Mike K., who i'd not seen since moving west. we danced to hall and oats at a party called Shit Hammered, where we also watched 1.5 fights, bottles crashing to the ground at many instances, and bras hanging from the ceiling. i headed to philly on weds, benny's arrival sounded by nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1119377611635870772005-06-21T10:38:00.001-07:002007-10-19T15:35:34.231-07:00lazy day. i'm in park slope, in mary and tera's excellent apartment. it's been good to spend time w/them, i wish i was here when they didn't have to work. we got in late on sunday and watched napoleon dynamite, and dan and mikey called me from someplace in Montana, drunk and singing lots of songs and playing guitar. they did one called "i want to be connected to connecticut". yesterday i walked nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1118023632383696922005-06-05T18:45:00.000-07:002007-10-19T15:32:55.839-07:00"and so it is... i can't take my eyes off of you"so phoenix was fun and low-key, we had a huge amount of driving the next day, and rested somewhere around Las Cruces to see the film "Madagascar". it gave me relief to do something familiar. we drove so much, but it was never too bad. i love watching the scenary unfold and change slightly. we'd stop for bathroom and gasoline and everyone would nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1117931070692971692005-06-04T16:02:00.000-07:002007-10-19T15:29:14.814-07:00on touring w/ mike and (i)nc...i was only gone for 10 days but it seems like longer. a tornado in colorado delayed my home-coming, and i rolled in late, a bit sick..i wasn't impressed for my first show in Petaluma, at the run-down and grafitti-covered Phoenix. it reminded me of Gilman, 6 bands, and it lasted bloody forever. Amanda showed me how to do things, and it did feel good to see Phyte nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1116370642307954862005-05-17T14:56:00.000-07:002007-10-19T15:24:32.400-07:00Traveling was so good for me. Dan WK was an awesome travel companion. i got my share of gorgeous views, painfully good art (the old masters, botticelli and rubens, raphael, goya, el greco, sometimes all in one room, like at the Prado in Madrid), churches built so intricately that i almost feel down w/ the overwhelmed feeling. by the end of 3 weeks i grew weary of being a tourist, bc Spain felt nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1099690429851047902004-11-05T13:29:00.000-08:002007-10-19T14:33:19.424-07:00*When a cause comes along and you know in your bones that it is just, yet refuse to defend it--at that moment you begin to die. And I have never seen so many corpses walking around talking about justice.* - Mumia Abu-Jamalnessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1093379833656338412004-08-24T13:12:00.000-07:002005-04-18T17:20:55.346-07:00friends treat sad events in a variety of ways. there's the food contingent, who make sure you remember to eat when things get difficult. there are the book people, who run in with written words that changed their lives. there's the get-off-your-ass squad, showing no mercy, taking the afflicted party hiking or camping or to the streets, providing anything but a chance to mope. then the party crewnessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1087426440115085782004-06-16T15:22:00.000-07:002007-10-19T14:20:04.856-07:00to someone i know...i kept missing you. in boston, across the platform, your train pulling away and we locked eyes, the realization, but too late. in indiana, you'd passed thru the week before, they didn't know where you were headed. in italy, you were one day behind but i had to catch that damn plane. i couldn't just wait around for you, could i?nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1084405243286348232004-05-12T16:33:00.000-07:002005-10-26T13:44:41.726-07:00the film "the revolution will not be televised" reminded me that my problems are quite minor, things my subconscious conceivably creates b/c i've not found enough things worth dying for. forgiving yourself can be harder than forgiving others. loving yourself can be more difficult as well. and that's so sad.nessabellanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1080603508552961892004-03-29T15:35:00.000-08:002005-10-26T13:47:26.523-07:00my pa wrote this to me the other day: * what your momma does not get is that people are allowed to fuck up. To be terrified of the second-guess is to be paralyzed. Did we both use that word? She vents to you because she knows I won't take it. She has no "editor" that tells her when it's too much. You have to protect yourself. You must have your life as you see fit. Your mom would, if she could, nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1074108561787913042004-01-14T11:28:00.000-08:002004-01-14T11:31:13.310-08:00***We fell in love in the wreckage, shouted out songs in the uproar, danced joyfully in the heaviest shackles they could forge; we smuggled our stories through the gauntlets of silence, starvation, and subjugation, to bring them back to life again and again as bombs and beating hearts; we built castles in the sky from the ruins of hell on earth.
Accepting no constraints from without, we nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1071701495527923992003-12-17T14:37:00.000-08:002004-06-09T16:39:49.706-07:00it was cruel that the backdrop to our relationship's death was so lovely and warm. i returned to the States with a perfect tan and a dead heart. I'd have preferred happiness in Siberia.
nessabellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6190267.post-1071099354001338112003-12-10T15:32:00.000-08:002003-12-10T15:36:06.110-08:00my friend sent this to me a few weeks ago:
I'm afraid I waste the light on the
paintings and on writing these words.
We die. We die rich with lovers and
tribes, tastes we have swallowed,
bodies we have entered and swum up
like rivers, fears we have hidden in
like this wretched cave.
I want all this marked on my body.
We are the real countries, not the
boundaries drawn on maps with the
nessabellanoreply@blogger.com